| another emo entry yo.. |
[23 Aug 2004|03:28am] |
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311 - Other Side Of Things |
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Hmm..
After thinking about it these past few days..
Yeah. I don't think I am better than anyone else. Everyone can be selfish and mad at times. The reason why I believed her when she said sorry. Anyways, I tend to think of myself as pretty much nothing at times. And most of the time for the past few days. And most of the time, I don't really want to talk about her. Just with the people I can trust. Even than, I never say I hate her. I hate how things are going. But not her. I know she is hurt. I can see that. I can see that, in her mind, talking would have made things better. But to me, it didn't feel like anythign was changing. I kept seeing her hurt and the same issues being brought up.
I wanted to be her friend, I tried to. That's not to say she didn't try either. We had our moments when we really got along. But to me things, if you're gonna talk about them, can't be worked out over an IM. There's something about talking face to face that gets thing cleared up a lot better. That's why I get upset when people don't come to me to talk about things that are bugging them. I upsets me when they can't talk to me, unless it's on the phone or on a IM.
Now I wasn't trying to make it sound like she was the only selfish person. I have been selfish plenty. there have been times that I don't want to talk about things with her. Only because, I just really REALLY don't think it would do any good.. I don't think things would get worked out, it would just cause more hurt. Not something I want for her, or for myself. Plus in my mind, it's over, so why do I even talk about it. I could understand talking about it, if I wanted to be with her. But that's not the case. We are over, so why? Why talk about it? Why make a problem out of it? those are the things that I kept wondering.
I feel really fucking stupid right now. Kinda pissed off at myself. Would talking about it really do any good? I don't know anymore. Deep down I don't think it would. I just think we have to be away from each other. But what I really wonder is. Does she even realize that all of this hurts me?
not that it matters much in my mind... me = nothing... as of right now...
I need my headphones, I need my music. Sadly it's the bggest thing keeping me from losing my mind right now.
I hate this right now though. I can't even smile. When I do, it's fake. So far Brian has been the only person to make me really laugh. But hanging out with Brian, KC, and Jessica, takes my mind off all this... bad thoughts... makes me feel like I used to.
I love you guys...
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| my day |
[22 Aug 2004|09:28pm] |
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Went bowling with gary, tanya, zak, jessica, and yeah jacob.. it was fun.. the end..
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| Indian Ocean... |
[20 Aug 2004|05:29pm] |
yeah so I am at KC's house right now...
Last nightm her, Brian, and I watched Resident Evil and Half Baked..
Fucking love Half Baked. That movie makes me laugh all the time.
So yeah. I talked to Allegra on the phone, and got a lot out, thta I
haven't really gotten to explain to anyone else. I felt.. pfft.. I
won't lie. I didn't feel a lot better. But talking helped. Made me feel
like some people don't hate me. But as of right now. I still feel like
they really do, they just won't say it.
Plus, as of right now. I kinda believe everything that she has ever
said about me. Deep down I know that I tried to work things out. I
tried to be her friend. I tried to listen. And I know that she is
hurting. I can see it in her eyes and the way she looks at me. I'm not
dumb. I know I have put up with a lot from her, and she has put up with
me. I tried my hardest not to get mad, to just brush it off, and know
that yes she is upset and says things that she might not mean. I have
tried not to pay attention to it. I tried to just keep reminding
myself, that she doesn't mean it. I believed her when she would say
sorry for the hurtful things said. I talked about anything she felt she
needed to talk about. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted things
to be worked out. But after awhile, it just seemed like talking got no
where. I was hearing the same things over and over again. I was still
hearing from many people, the things that she was saying about me. And
even than I believed her when she would say sorry. I wanted to talk to
her face to face so many times. Due to the fact that she, as far as I
can tell, took it, that I was mad whenever we where talking. I don't
like talking on an IM, it doesn't work. Feelings and words aren't
expressed in the right way, and things get mistaken.
After a few emails about things now in the past. and after writing a
very long email giving the explination that she wanted. I realized,
that this wasn't going to change anything. That talking isn't going to
make anything better, it's just goinig to drag it out even further.
Create much unneeded drama. I read that last email, and didn't responed
to it. A few minutes later she IM'ed me, asking to talk. I knew what
about. But I played it off as of I hadn't read the email. Hoping that
she didn't want to talk about this anymore. So I said, yes I guess so.
She asked what I thought she would ask about. I told her flat out, that
no, I can't talk about this anymore. that her and I are broken up, we
aren't together anymore.
Now, I wasn't trying at all, to sound mean, or mad, or pissed off. I
was making my point clear right away, so that she would know, that I
can't do this anymore. but as we were talking, every time she would say
something, her computer I guess would sign her off. So I would wait for
her to get back online. After I finished saying what I had to say, I
was hoping she would say something, because she had signed off. And in
the past, when she has been upset with the way things are going in the
conversation, she has just signed off and left it at that. Which in the
past has infact gotten to me, and made me upset. To me, that's just a
really shitty thing to do, just leaving the problem unresolved. So as
normal, I got upset. But this time, everything that had been bothering
me came to the surface.
All the worries about my sister rushed to my head.
Thinking about my Mother being stressed out of her mind, worring if she was doing alright.
My Grandmother, her being sick and going blind.
My cousins Kyle and Skyler, if they are doing ok with their parents, and school.
And than on top of it, feeking left out of that whole family, finding things out about my sister last.
Knowing that my sister wasn't getting better, just getting more sick.
....
and than, feeling shitty about her, because she is so upset, and angry with me.
Hating myself, because I take everything that my friends say so seriously, and straight to heart.
And through all of this, I tried to be her friend. I wanted to be friends.
I wanted to believe her when she said that there would be no drama or fighting the second time we broke up.
pfft I am stupid. I know I tried to talk to her while we were going
out. I tried. I talk to her about anything that was on her mind, when
she wanted to. Whether it was about me or not. I made sure she never
did anything she didn't want to do, or didn't feel ready to do. I
always tried to explain my feelings the best I could.
But in knowing that, I still believe everything that she has to say. I
still believe, that I am not a good person. I have lost trust. Not only
in the people around me now. But in myself. I know I have people I can
trust up here. Like KC, Brian, and Jessica. And people that are far
away too. Like Galina, Morgan, and Allegra.
But I don't know, as of right now, I am so mixed up about this all. I
just feel like it's not ok for me to be upset ever. Like it wasn't ok
for me to feel anything. That I can't be happy without pleasing
someone/everyone else. Sounds stupid huh? I don't know. I am so
confused, I don't know whether to be mad or sad.
I just want to leave this place...
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| dum dum dumm |
[16 Aug 2004|09:36pm] |
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ok seeing how, someone has told me I am unliked by many.. I am just going to have the people I feel close to on my friends list..
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| a lovely song... |
[15 Aug 2004|03:56pm] |
Deanne The Arsonist
Coward, the next time you want to fuck me over stab me in the front
Can I still see my future in your eyes,
or can I picture myself dead in your embrace
And your cruel crimson red smile, kills
Everyone cared about you.
Why couldn't you
Instead your greed compelled you to steal other silver linings.
No one could have their moments free from your withering touch.
Fuck off like you're the only person that has ever cried or been broken by love
Spare me your pity party drunk off your own misfortunes
Wallowing in your blissful melancholy
Can you taste my blood.
You knew that this would kill me.
But you carried on and on with your selfish shit.
Everyone cared about you, Why couldn't you
Instead your greed compelled you to steal other silver linings.
Burnt down my world, you killed my hope
Spread out the ash and walked away
How could you just close off your eyes.
Turn tail and run, you are the greatest coward
Damn right I am still pissed..
Next time I see you we will see who has the upper hand
Kiss me fist. Taste the floor.
Tired of your games. Fuck off goodbye.
Atreyu
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[15 Aug 2004|03:51pm] |
yeah so now my journal is friends only.. Don't need drama.. I would make a banner for it.. but yeah.. Don't feel like making one at the moment..
maybe later..
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| haha |
[15 Aug 2004|03:28pm] |
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mood |
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 amused |
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music |
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Atreyu - Deanne The Arsonist |
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amazing.. when people comment as anonymous, and call you a pussy.. Funny how they don't have the guts to say it to your face..
Funny how I am done with a this person, and yet either her or her friends are being stupid and commenting shit in my lj..
Sad really, but whatever.. have fun commenting.. Comment your heart out, I'll keep deleting them... I don't need you're comments in my lj.. all it does is cause drama.. so there my reason for deleting them.. =] byeee
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| hi how are you? Kiss My Ass |
[14 Aug 2004|09:09pm] |
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mood |
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 infuriated |
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music |
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Rammstein - Adios |
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Wow..
I'm NOT.. see the not.. Talking about you and I anymore. We are OVER. That means MOVE ON. Drop it.
You think you are the only person who has ever been hurt in the world??
Get a Fucking Clue
one minute you call me a good friend, the very next you call me an asshole. FUCK YOU!!
...I'm sick of it...
Fucking decide already.
*you wanna be my friend? Than be my friend, and drop all this bull shit, and stop bring up all this god damn fucking drama.
*you don't wanna be my friend? Than Fine! Don't fucking talk to me than. Stay away from me.
And don't do this bull shit hypocrite crap with everyone... I fucking Hate Hypocrites
don't make fun you guys, you could be hurting his feelings. Drama isn't gonna make anything better you guys.
ONE - Take your head out of you almighty ass, and listen to yourself for once.
TWO - The World Isn't A Nice Place. People Get Their Feelings Hurt Everyday. They Get Mad Fun Of All The Time.
CRY ME A DAMN RIVER!!
THREE - Wow! Surprise! Everyone In The World Can Be An Asshole. They Can Be Mean And Unkind. Do You Think Everyone In The World Is Gonna Stop Saying What They Feel And Think, Because It Might Hurt Someone's Feelings?
... I am so pissed off</font></font>
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| Red Bull.. gives you wings... |
[14 Aug 2004|06:19pm] |
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mood |
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sore but in a good mood |
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music |
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Lostprophets - Last Train Home |
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Went to KC's little party. That was fun fun fun! Drinks, Hangin' out with friends. Chillin'. The Gay Bartender really knew how to make some kick ass drinks.
Can't wait until Sunday, the BBQ.
Some guy really pissed me off. He was making fun/hitting my little cousin Zak. I really really REALLY wanted to hit him. But since it was at KC's house, and I didn't want anything to get out of hand. I didn't. I think my Aunt Susi was kinda upset that I didn't hit him. Oh well, enough about that.
So yeah I cut my hair. Was sitting there thinking and than said, "Dude! I wanna be like Joel of Good Charlotte, he's my hero. I should cut my hair like that!" So yeah, he's not my hero. No way in hell is he my hero. But yeah, my hair kinda looks like his. I might get bored of it and just shave it off.
I'll post pictures in my next entry and let you guys vote on it. How does that sound? haha
So yeah. Gary's party got canceled I guess. That sucks.
My shoulder fucking hurts again, more than last time. Damn it. Oh well. Hopefully it will go away like last time.
oh yeah. I'm not talking about you and I anymore. Don't mean to sound mean, but yeah, it's time to move on and drop it.
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| dn*L |
[13 Aug 2004|05:41pm] |
ok so yeah.. today has been kinda boring so far..
haha I cooked today! For more than just myself! Amazing! Ok so for those of you how don't know me.. or know me that well.. I don't cook for just anyone.. but yeah.. blah.. it was tasty.
so now I am about to watch "Along Came Polly"
haven't seen this movie before.. What do you guys think of it?
so yeah.. I migh shave my head again.. depending on how it looks after KC cuts it.. hmm.. or mohawk.. I can't decide.. what do you think? dum da dum dum dummmmm.. yeah exciting info for you all
later
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| =-0 how could I forget.. |
[12 Aug 2004|03:12am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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Sublime - What I Got (Repise) |
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oh shit! I totally forgot! Shame on me! I saw Miss Tara Tonight! I was soo happy to see her! word yo! haha..
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| crap... |
[12 Aug 2004|02:38am] |
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mood |
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crappy |
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Sublime - What I Got (Repise) |
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yo yo yo! wut up home dawgs!!!
haha.....yeahhh
yup.. Had another freakin' anxiety attack and passed out in the middle of the street, scared Jessica. I still feel really bad. I don't know why. Grrr
I hate them. Not really. But once again I was last to know. Even when I called to see how she was. Even Jessica knew before I did. I fucking hate being treated like a fucking baby. I feel left out, like I don't belong in this family. Either that or they don't want me in it. More towards the second one...
...Fucking Assholes...
Ok I don't really mean that. I love them. I just hate this. I'm sick of seeing and hearing about my sister being sick. It's like she has a new desses every month. Ok not really, but shit! It seems like it. Lets write a list shall we..
1. Asthma
2. Arthritis
3. Lupus
4. Stroke
5. Seizures
6. Blood clots
7. Cervical Cancer
8. And now.. I forgot the name.. A type of Arthritis that medicine doesn't help..
FUCK!
I hate being upset about this all the time. I feel like I am on the verge of having an anxiety attack everyday. I just wish Amanda would just get better.
Damn it I really... REALLY want to go to the beach.. Like right now even. Now that it is 2:30 in the morning.
so yeah.. tonight.. stuff.. shit.. OK!
*KC dyed Brian's hair black. It looks good. Emo Boy. Haha. She also dyed Jacob - A.K.A. Dough-nut Boy's hair. Looks good though, so yeah. Two Thumbs Up KC! =]~
*Went out to get some food at Safeway, Teddy Grams and Sandwich, thank you KC. haha. 10 minute rule.
*Left Safeway and noticed the clouds where coming in, so that sucked. So we went home. I gave KC a piggy-back ride most of the way home. She hit me in the nose. That was funny. Later she got a sunflower. Pretty awesome.
*Oh yeah! Brian gave me a piggy-back ride, funny shit.. Mr. Chong.. I mean Mr. Wong.. Haha
Dude the Meteor shower. That would have been cool. But the fucking clouds rolled in on us. Lame!
Wow I miss you....
And wow I am fucking stupid....
Dude! Fuck! I wanna break down and cry.. What a fucking puss I am.. blah..
For some reason, I think if it was I who was going through all the shit she has/is going through. No one would care as much/ Because of that, I really wish that things could be different. Like I could take all that shit and pain in her life, and just put it on me.
ok so I got to call my mom and tlak to her about sending me something.. Hopefully she can do it for me.. That would be cool..
Shit today was really awesome.. but.. I don't know..
Damn it..
Saddly, the only thing that has been keeping me from not talking/breaking down, is the song that I keep singing in my head over and over.
Loves What I got..
I don't think anyone really understands.. maybe a few.. how much this song really means to me. How it effects me. Seriously. Without this song, I wouldn't be alive today. It always seems to keep me.. happy.. if that makes any sense..
I fucking want to surf right now.. but haha.. no waves.. no beach close by to run to.. Might as well skate.. later.. maybe.. that seems to take my mind off of things for awhile..
dude.. I would do a lj-cut.. work.. and yeah.. I just really don't care right now.. FUCK!
Sorry fo the Emo entry people.. =/
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| LOL |
[11 Aug 2004|03:08pm] |
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Brian just choked on some Jacob Loops...
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| Wax Me Up.. |
[11 Aug 2004|02:56pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
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music |
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The Deftones - Minerva |
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Dude.. I am fuckin' hungray.. I want some chinese food.. good chinese food..
So yeah.. KC has imformed me that there is going to be a meteor shower tonight.. We are going to the graveyard tonight as well.. sick..
last night, went skateboarding with Brian and Gary.. Went to the High School, climb up on the roof to skate there.. nothing to really skate.. lame.. but nice place to hang out..
went and did some skating around the school.. found a big ass Black Widow.. did some more skating.. was fun hang out with Gary and Brian.. and for once.. no Jacob in the background.. amazing
I gots a bug bite on ym leg.. it itches.. *scratches* ahh feels good... thought you should all know that.
Fucking sick ass song.. The Deftones - Change (In The House Of Flys)
I love the Deftones.. good shit..
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| crack kills.. plummers crack that is.. the more you know |
[10 Aug 2004|10:34pm] |
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mood |
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calm |
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music |
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The Used - The Taste Of Ink |
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ok so yeah.. today was funny as always..
Jacob licked our dog's tooth.. nasty.. but funny.. kinda..
so yeah.. Brian doesn't know something and HaHa.. KC does.. funny to me..
KC came over today.. Sweetness.. as always.. hung out.. I played idiot games.. I think they thought I was mad at one point..
I have been zoning out all day today.. it's annoying
Went Skateboarding with Brian over to the plaza.. met up with Gary, Ashley, and doughnut boy.. Got a movie, some 30 cent soda from Safeway.
Ashley and Gary. Hu hu.. you know what that means.. silly kids. =/
So now we are at home, and I am hungray as a MoFo.
Oh and I finished my layout.. I like it.. I guess.. I might get bored of it and change it..
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Fuck I miss people...
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and yeah.. KC your nose piercing looks pretty damn good on you..
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| R.D.O.D. |
[10 Aug 2004|02:05pm] |
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mood |
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chipper |
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Sean Paul - Get Busy |
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This is the "Rubber Duckie Of Doom" that Allegra gave me.. I will never forget Allegra! YAY!
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